A Match Made in Kardashian Heaven

(Disclaimer)

My girlfriend (who I luv) forces me to watch this…

So Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were married this past Saturday.  On Sunday, an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians aired in which we got a glimpse at just how long that marriage will last.  I’m not going to go as far as to stamp an expiration date on this marriage, but let me say that the Kardashians are not beyond media stunts in order to keep themselves relevant (can I use that word with this family?), and it seems clear that Kris Humphries has decided that some fame–however infamous–is better than just playing on the irrelevant New Jersey Nets.

Khloe Kardashian, who married Lamar Odom thirty-five seconds after they met, reported that Kris Humphries asked her whether her marriage to Lamar was for media coverage.  Parenthetically, against all odds, from what I can see on the show, Lamar and Khloe seem to genuinely love one another.  I’m as shocked as you!  Anyhow, we ought not ignore Kris Humphries’ question about a media marriage.  It seems to me that he would ask that question, in part, because he thought he might be able to connect with Khloe and Lamar in that way because he’s marrying Kim for media attention.  Khloe, the only “normal” Kardashian, seemed genuinely offended.

Mr. Humphries also asked whether Kim’s ass is real.  Um, has he not yet hit?  If I were him, I would be intimately acquainted with the pores on those booty cheeks, and I’d like to think that after having palmed my fair share of naturally grown juicy bubbles (nothing like a Black woman’s ass), I would know whether Kim had surgery.  Besides, they’re getting married.  A secret like that should be easily shared between Kim and her husband, right?  I don’t think she’s done anything to her ass, but I also don’t care.  What’s interesting is that Kris Humphries doesn’t know.  Even more interesting, he is still trying to figure it out.  Further, he has had precious little contact with Kim’s family, so why ask one of her sisters a dumb ass question like that unless he views the marriage as a joke?

$75,000.00 earrings!

During Sunday’s episode, a few of the Kardashian’s took a trip to a beautiful island as a way of hanging out with one another and acclimating Kris Humphries to the family.  (Khloe, who often removes herself, found reason to skip this family event as well.  She’s the smart one).  Soon after arriving at their destination, Kim threw a tantrum about the flowers on the bed and the heat (it was beautiful weather).  Kris decided to throw Kim into the water (close to a ten foot drop…yay romance!), causing her to lose her $75K earrings, and what was his response to Kim crying over her earrings (really?!  $75K earrings just gone?!)?  He was shocked because he’d “never seen that side of her.”  No duh knuckle dragger!  Those of us who are forced to watch the show because of our lovely girlfriends (I luv you baby) know more about Kim Kardashian than he does.

Let’s be clear about a few things:

  1. Kris Humphries needs to fire his financial advisor.  That dude should not be purchasing two million dollar rings.  (I wouldn’t be shocked if Kim put in on that ring.  She certainly could afford it).  Has he been paying attention to his NBA career?  Dude, you’re irrelevant on an irrelevant team.
  2. Kris Humphries is a tool…and a mouth breather…Then again, Kim Kardashian isn’t exactly known to be an avid reader either.
  3. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries don’t know one another nearly enough to sustain a hollywood marriage.  Again, Khloe and Lamar are by far the exception, and IF they were to get a divorce, few would be shocked.  Any time your wedding follows a “whirlwind romance” look for the hurricane divorce to be on the horizon.
  4. "Pimp of the Decade"

    Kris Jenner is one of the few pimps to rival Dennis Hof–the owner of the Bunny Ranch, so you know that if there is money to be made by selling her girls off, she’ll sniff it out.  Plus, Kim is a true earner–a “bottom bitch“.

    Now, with all of that said (and I didn’t say it with hate in my heart–just laughter in my soul), I want to say something on a kinder side about this family….

…(one minute)………………….(4 minutes)………………………..(11 minutes)…………………………..(16 minutes)…………..(umpteen minutes) Well, I’ve been sitting here for umpteen minutes trying to find a soft way to end this post–a way to humanize this circus family, but I’m stumped.  They’re on TV so that the people at E! News can have jobs and so that every now and then my blog site can be inundated with hits because people love the drama of it all.  So, there’s no need for me to dress up this clown family, famous for sextapes, and “whirlwind marriages” (that includes Kris Jenner…excludes Kourtney and Scott).  Selah.

I suppose if anything, I feel a little…no wait.  $75K earrings!  Naw, I can’t find any sympathy for them.  I’ve looked.

One thought on “A Match Made in Kardashian Heaven

  1. That was funny as hell! I’m keeping you in my favorites to check for updates! I agree with everything you said!

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