In December of 1999, I was at UCLA in line to get some ice cream with a friend. The very normal looking White gentleman (well-dressed) who was standing behind me, jumped into my conversation (White people love to do that for some reason), and he asked whether I would be willing to give him the cash I was gonna use to buy ice cream and allow him to pay with his credit card. I was confused for a millisecond, but then I remembered that the year 2000 was a couple of weeks away, and, of course, the world was gonna come to an end. May as well charge up the ol’ credit cards.
If looks could kill, he would’ve been fine. But, if looks could say,
You friggin’ idiot! There’s no way that the world is going to come to an end in a few months, and if you really believe that, give ME your credit cards. I’ll show you what to do with them! I won’t be buying ice cream!
Two days ago, I found out that the world is coming to an end at 6 PM today. Apparently, Jesus is operating on pacific standard time because Australia is way ahead of us, and we’re still here. I’m gonna step out on a limb and still make plans for living past 7 hours from now.
After the world doesn’t end tonight, you’re going to hear some combination of three things:
- The rapture did in fact come, and this is what hell on Earth looks like. It’s your everyday life. No shit!
- There was a slight miscalculation in the math, and we should just follow the Mayan calendar, which says that we’ve got at least another year and a half to go.
- Nothing. There will be mass silence–partly because some will kill themselves (sad) and partly because others will not be able to publicly handle the cognitive dissonance.
I can’t really say that I feel sorry for anyone who believes that we are all going to die at 6 PM pacific standard time tonight. Actually, I support those of you who believe that 100%. In fact, you should put your money and possessions where your faith is and hand over those goods to me. At least you can do something good before Jesus comes, and you’ll have that opportunity to plead your case. Maybe you could shit talk your way into heaven. It’s worth a shot. Besides, I need new furniture.
Now, let’s say for a second that the world is going to end at 6 PM pacific standard time tonight. Oh well. There isn’t anything any of us can do about that. Eat your favorite meals, sleep with your favorite person, hug your family, and lament that you won’t get to see who wins the NBA finals this year–I’m rooting for the Heat in the absence of the Lakers who let me down big time.
In closing, this is yet one more reason why I’m not Christian. There’s gotta be some rules. Rule number 472: your foolish is not my problem.