My name is Nicki. Im a 26 year old (multi-racial) woman who is in a relationship with a 29 year old black man. We’ve been together for 2 years in September. I love this man heart and soul. I have done EVERYTHING for this man, and I wonder if its what is causing him to be the way that he is. Meaning, like maybe I do too much and he knows that because my love for him is soo deep, that I won’t leave. And that’s how it was at first. But now I’m veering away…He says I’m not who I was, but he wasn’t like this in the beginning either. HE never stops to see if I changed being the loving tentive woman I am, because he started playing mind games. I mean I’m still in love with him. I still do things for him, but I look at him in a different way now.
I’ve caught him cheating, though he’ll never admit it. A friend of mine said he won’t admit to cheating because he knows that if he does he’ll lose me. But I feel like if he doesn’t admit to it, when we both know very well what he’s doing, then I am going to leave him. I dont get why he’d cheat. Like we get along soo well, outside of this. I never just started accusing him of cheating just because he’s another man. I accused him when he started staying out all night long. Coming home 5,6,7,8 in the morning. A couple times smelling like sex/condoms.
I know I’m stupid for staying with him, but as cliche’ as it sounds, I love this man. I don’t know why he’d cheat though. I mean, I’m not ugly. However these females look like donkeys and camels. (No seriously, they do…) I have the typical body that a man loves. Big butt, big boobs, hazel green eyes, and even more a good head on my shoulders. I am going to school for nursing. I stress over him and what he’s doing, all the while maintaining a 4.0 GPA, and raising my 5 year old daughter (From my previous relationship). I look out for him financially when he doesn’t have it. I treat his daughter like my own. We have sex everyday. Not because I want to keep him happy, but because I enjoy it. I cook everyday, I clean AFTER HIM, HIS KID AND MY KID!!
So I don’t get it. Idont know what I’m lacking. I’m a good woman.
I figured no better person to get advice from than one who can relate to him. (To a point)… So Im asking the advice of a black man.
What am I doing wrong? Or am I? Is it me or his own selfishness? What would be my best bet as far as this relationship? Letting go, or waiting to see if he’ll change. All I ask is, that no matter what your answer is, just keep it real with me. I’m a real woman and I can take it.
I feel for you because you do not sound as though you believe what you say about yourself–an attractive, attentive woman, with a good head on her shoulders. It seems most important to deal with you prior to directly answering your question because it appears that you are not asking much of your partner. I know that a lot of people want to ask as little as possible from their mate because they do not want to be a burden or to seem needy. These are valid concerns; however, there is a difference between being needy and demanding that someone meet your standards. Standards are not only okay, but they are necessary in order to protect us and others from undo stress, emotional pain, and/or worse. With that, I suggest that you begin with yourself. You must evaluate yourself in an honest manner, and, most importantly, you must ensure that you are treated according to your worth. Ultimately, this is your responsibility.
Why does he cheat on or mistreat you? There are several issues at work here. I do not know that brotha, but I do know that many men sleep with as many women as they can because of the stories. There is a certain amount of status to be gained from the heterosexual male community if one has good sex stories to tell. The more women a man sleeps with, the more likely it is that he will have good stories to tell. This does not mean that he needs to bed particularly outstanding women. He just needs to have a worthwhile story. This means, sadly, that he may cheat on you regardless of your worth. This says more about the man you are with than anything about you or women in general. For a lot of heterosexual men, the important factor is quantity (not quality). That means that he may do it just for conquest’s sake.
He may also be too immature to handle a serious relationship. This has less to do with age than it does wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge applied, and knowledge is largely based upon experience. His experiences may not allow him to take you seriously. That is, he does not realize what he has (assuming all you say about yourself is true), in which case you may choose to wait, but let me say that the likelihood of him awakening to find you worthy of love and affection unparalleled is slim to none. Much of how we treat each other is based upon habits and expectations. You two have operated in a particular way, and as you say, he understands that you are not going anywhere. With that, you have basically informed and prescribed his behavior towards you. This goes back to you determining your worth and holding him to that standard.
Most importantly, you have become a convenience to him–something as solid and reliable as his own spine, regardless of what he may involve himself in. This is something that men discuss frequently. Many men visit with the most convenient women they can find. However, the more convenient the woman becomes without having had a commitment from the man, the more likely it is that she will be taken advantage of. Again, this says more about the man you have chosen than it does about you. Here is a man in an unfettered relationship with a woman who is going to accept basically whatever he gives her. How does he treat you? Does he treat you with respect and honor? Does he remind you how special you are and how important you are to him? No. He takes advantage of you and disregards you, and with no one forcing him to be a better man, he simply chooses not to be.
I am not suggesting that you become inconvenient, but I am suggesting that you set your standards and hold him to them. If he meets them, great! He has heard you, and he wants the relationship to work. He values you that much. If tells you something about how you have changed, he has not yet matured enough to handle a committed relationship. Relationship dynamics change over time. What we want and need changes over time. A good partner understands that and changes with the relationship (if possible). If something becomes unacceptable, do not accept it. This is much easier said than done, but I suspect that you already know that you should not be wasting your time with him based upon what you originally sent. You already know he cheated, and whether he admits it or not is inconsequential. Be clear: it is a waste of time to continue a relationship in the hopes that “things” get better.
Be fully aware that whatever behaviors you are accepting right now will only grow worse. It is a rare individual who changes for the good because it is the right thing to do. Is he such a man?