What is a woman’s role with regard to beginning, maintaining, and ending relationships? Is it the woman’s role to attract a man, or are women supposed to be aggressive, or is it perhaps a mixture of both?
No doubt, there is a dearth of marriagable Black men, and a common complaint of women of all races in the U.S. is that they are constantly approached by the wrong men. Not only are women approached by the wrong men, but the style of approach these men typically employ is disrespectful at best. Please keep in mind, ladies, that whatever men are trying on you has worked for a man in the past, so blame those women who are accepting of, “Hey baby! What’s good for the night?”
Now, let me be clear: there is no way to keep away unwanted attention. Even if you wear a shirt that says, “Stay the hell away from me if I don’t invite you over here” you’ll still get many clever responses from wack dudes. Just accept that. And, there is no sure-fire way to differentiate the bad from the good. Men are patient beings–no matter what you have heard. We are willing to wait years for sex with a given woman. That doesn’t mean that the man is waiting on just you–no matter what you’ve heard. He is just willing to wait. He’ll be your friend and anything else he needs to be in order to be there at that crucial moment when his dick can be the cure-all for what ails you!
But what do you do when you know a man to be a good man, but he is not making any advances in your direction? Do you keep trying to put yourself in a position for him to say something to you and become frustrated when he doesn’t seem to get it or do you assume that he’s not interested? Let me humbly submit to you that THAT IS JUST PLAIN STUPID. You should approach that man and speak honestly about your interest in him. You will never know what could be if you don’t. Complaining that good men don’t approach you is particularly ridiculous if you know of good men that you never approach.
Not every man is aware of the subltities that are common to women’s advances. Just because you laughed at his jokes–just because you touched his arm when you giggled–just because you made eye contact–a man is not going to automatically assume you’re interested. Strange right? Wrong. Women often rightfully diss men for not being better communicators, and the assumption is that women communicate better, but that is falsehood. Women are just as vague, arcane, and non-communicative as men–just in different ways.
Be direct! Let the man know what your intentions are. Passively awaiting some man to save you from your loneliness and single status is just plain stupid when a perfectly good man is within reach, who, may not be aware that you’re interested because you’ve played your “I’m not interested” game so well. You know the game. The one where you don’t really want the man to know that you’re interested while secretly melting inside every time he speaks to you–the game wherein you play it cool and nonchalant when he asks you out, but you scream with joy when you get off the phone! Yeah, that one. Anyhow, when you play that game too well, you actually make us think you’re not interested. Imagine that.
And what’s wrong with showing agency? Women are not pawns to be chosen and moved as men see fit. You have agency–power to make decisions and determinations for what you want. It is a misconception that relationships fail if the woman approaches the man. Shit, we already know that relationships fail when the man approaches the woman, so what do you really have to lose by approaching a man worthy of your attention? Nothing.
You can continue to play your position as the humble and passive woman awaiting some Jesus-like man to save you, or you can take hold of your destiny and make it happen. The former leads you to say, “I didn’t even like him at first. I was mean to him, but he kept coming around and coming around, and eventually, he waited me out and won me over.” LOL That is so common that it’s not even funny. Remember: men are patient. The latter, affords you an opportunity to say, “I saw him over there looking scrumptious and manly in all the right ways, but he wasn’t getting the hint, so I made it happen, and he was pleasantly surprised to learn that I was interested in him because he was interested in me.” Which do you prefer ladies?
There are so few “good” women or men that waiting on one to make an approach just isn’t a plan for success.