I haven’t looked into this recently, but as I understand it, sometime during the Medieval era, the French, rather than cleaning their bodies, decided to create perfumes in order to mask what must have been ALL bad BO (body odor) back then. This is no diss against the French. Europeans believed that bathing too often (more than once a year) was bad (WTF?!).
Anyhow, the year is now 2009, and thankfully, we have long since dispelled any myths about washing away our spirits or souls through bathing daily. I mean, we have right? Cuz if we haven’t, I’d like to know. Let me now address that growing nation of people who have adopted the religion that just doesn’t suit me well–Funkdafism. Now, you may, as I did, assume that this religion was based upon that song by Da Brat, but in actuality, this religion has been around for quite some time.
There is a Bible of sorts for Funkdafism. The Jesus-like character’s words are not written in red as in the Christian Bible. They are written in a yellowish-brown color, which best signifies just how funkdafied (not sanctified) the Jesus-like character’s words truly are. There is still an idea of heaven and hell in this religion. “Heaven” is the blissfully apathetic attitude people take towards not bathing daily. “Hell” is what those of us who can smell these stinky ass people must go through! Because followers of Funkdafism believe that there is no difference between death and life, they see no reason to not smell as if they are already dead. That’s fine. Naw, really, I don’t have a problem with that. You can stink if you want to. You can practice whatever religion you want to. You can smoke if you want. You can do meth if you want to. But what you cannot do is force me to work with and around you.
I should not be able to see your funk! By all means, practice your religion, but do you really need to smell like warm bird shit and hot bus seats? Aren’t you taking your religion a bit too far? Is it really necessary to wreak of ass cheese, navel lint, and toe jam (Do you know what I mean–when the Funkdafist has that sweet stench that gags you uncontrollably?). I respect our laws that allow for us all to practice our choice of religion freely–in theory–but got damnit! You all are taking this shit too far!
From now on, I’m performing exorcisms on sight–er smell! That’s right damnit! I’ll be carrying spray bottles of soapy water, and squeegees with which I will clean you all in the name of that universal commandment: Thou shalt not smell like a wildebeest!
…there’s gotta be some rules people!