I met a woman while at the County (WTF?). She was attractive. She reminded me of Jazmine Sullivan–she even sings–and while I didn’t see a future between us, I figured it would be nice to have someone to chat with while conducting my job search in the madness that is the county social services program. I should say that her bodily dimensions were very much acceptable to the Black male community. Indeed, she had a set of jacked up ass cheeks that moved independently when she walked. Her waist was flat and small, and it only accentuated her breasts that were in perpetual conflict with whatever top was trying to cover them (“C’mon titty!”). And, while I’m not a man to be too interested in hair, the curly shoulder-length hair she sported was flattering to say the least.
We had no real relationship to speak of. I never so much as shook her hand, and I can only recall speaking on the phone when we were discussing where the next job fair was being held. At some point, she brought her son to the program. Apparently, he’d never been in a public place, and he found it difficult to not be unruly, which changed how I saw her. Still, I could easily overlook her ape-shit-wild child because she revealed herself in all her….glory(?). She wore loose-fitting shorts, and there, drooping in the shorts was the ass (WTF), that I had admired so many times before. Spilling over the red shorts was the one time flat and small stomach (WTF?). I was sitting in my chair when she came in, and so I was moving my eyes from bottom to top. I experienced a moment of complete despair just before mustering the strength to face how her breasts may look. After a very long moment (two seconds), I was emboldened enough to look at the breasts that I’d fantasized about kissing. (WTF!) They were long–very long, and I was reminded of sloppy Joe’s when I was a kid. It is generally a turn on to see a woman’s erect nipples, but when those nipples are hanging on the end of deflated cow utter-like breasts, the attraction wanes–needless to say. Apparently, she was packing for a long trip. There were bags and bags of luggage (WTF)–not the good stuff either, but the cheap kind that is bound to burst at the right moment to reveal your period underwear, Monostat 7, and overworked dildo in LAX in front of a gaggle of the always present group of non-English-speaking Asian tourists snapping pictures. This woman was very tired I say. And atop her head, I’d been fooled! I wonder when I will be able to spot a weave. Hopefully soon! At least then I won’t be so disappointed when a woman reveals her severely receding edges (WTF). Apparently the weave was skillfully adhered to her scalp (WTF), and in hindsight, I should have known better. Suffice it to say, that if she had kicked one of her legs off at the knee, I would’ve been convinced that Keenan Ivory Wayans would appear from behind a door and yell, “Cut!” Surely, I was the Sucka that she was Gonna Git!
As time went on, I found a job–a good one! Our communication came to a complete halt, and out of nowhere, she invited me to a “game night” at her house (WTF). I respectfully declined. Two days later, she invited me to a follow-up game night, and again, I declined the invitation to which she felt the need to “check me” for acting like I was too good for her because I had a job (WTF). After a week of no communication, she sent me a text, asking me to go to a club with her. I expressed a desire to go, although I actually had none. I texted her that I would need to find a babysitter. She added that she thought we should get our tickets before 830PM in order to be able to walk past the line. I explained that I wouldn’t be able to make to her by that time, and she offered to buy my ticket, suggesting that I just pay her back when I get there. I agreed that that would be a good idea, but I reminded her that I first needed to secure a babysitter. I let ten minutes or so pass without searching–I just wanted to go home, and I broke the sad news that I couldn’t find a babysitter for the night. She then offered to have a friend buy the tickets (WTF?!) so that I could pay her friend back, and I reminded her again that the money was not the issue.
As a consolation, I offered her what information I had about a friend’s party the next day. After some discussion about who my friend was, she was sure she knew him, and she declined that offer and called me. She began by asking me again whether I was sure I couldn’t make it. I said I couldn’t, and she sighed in disappointment only to add this (unbelievable request from a woman I don’t know and haven’t had anything with in 3……2………1): “Well, I really wanna go, so can you just give me the $20 so I can go?” (WTF!!!?) After I came to (a second or so), I responded, “Uuuumm, no! That would be a negative!” She asked me why (W T F?!), and I then became confused. Perhaps I was supposed to be buying this ticket, and I just didn’t know. After all, she’s asking me with such a naturally expecting tone, that it seems as though I’m slacking on my responsibilities of providing her with entertainment. Naw. That couldn’t be it. I expressed shock that she’d even ask me “Why,” and the conversation ended rather abruptly after that….so I thought.
She called me back! I didn’t answer. I called her back–I had to know what she wanted. She didn’t answer. She called me back, and I answered. She wanted to know about my friend’s party (WTF). She wanted to know whether she would be riding with me and what time would “we” (WTF) be going. I told her that I would give her the details the afternoon of, and after offering a shallow compliment in an abortive attempt to butter me up, we got off the phone.
I immediately called my friend to see whether he actually knew this woman. Holy shit! He did! His memory wasn’t a total recall, but after I told him that she’d asked me for money, his memory was sufficiently jogged, as he explained that his time with her consisted of plans to have sex, but he kept falling asleep on the couch. He eventually stopped talking to heraltogether after she asked him for money (WTF). I found all of this particularly interesting because she spent a great deal of time explaining to me why she didn’t need to be at that program and how she was “doing it just cuz” (WTF?!).
Needless to say, I didn’t contact her with the details of my friend’s party, and Diary, I wasn’t even going to write this, but she called me yesterday (WTF)! I didn’t answer–though I should have. What could she have wanted? Like the elusive number of licks it takes to get to the center of tootsie pop, “the world may never know.”
…there’s gotta be some rules people!