A Son’s Rage

Father and son

Father and son

I am thirty-two now.  A quick look at my family reveals that there are no fathers to be found.  In fact, I am the only father in my family who is actively involved in his child’s life.  It is interesting to me that when I was seven, I spoke to my father for the first time.  My brother was being born that year.  He made a few false promises, and I didn’t hear from him again until I was twenty-two–when my son was being born.

My mother never spoke of my father, and I grew up not knowing what his name was.  She never bad-mouthed him, and she never suggested that I get to know him.  It wasn’t until I began raising my young warrior–he’s nine now–as a single father that I discovered how much hatred I had toward my father and how much pain I’d been hiding from myself.

I’m hard on my son.  He will attest to that (lol).  I earned a college degree–the first in my family.  I want to start anew, and while my son is ahead of many students his age, I push him so hard with so much focus on him doing better than I have that I am often not available for him emotionally.  It is not that I am unaware of this deficiency in my parenting.  I am just so single-minded with him becoming a stand-out man that I ignore the emotional aspects of manhood and childhood.  It has occurred to me that while I am trying so hard to correct the mistakes of my father, I fall short emotionally the same my father did.  And, to be honest, I hate this about myself.  I’m going to have to do better.

When I turned thirty, I tried to find my father.  I had some idea of where he might be, and I consulted my mother.  Apparently, he had known where I was in all my travels (I’m an Army brat), yet he never saw fit to contact me.  I have siblings whose names I do not know, but what hurts is that I discovered that my father passed a few years back.  An important part of me–idiosyncrasies that make me, me–has died off without my knowledge.

This bothers me in ways I cannot express fully.  There is an emptiness that angers and pains me.  I don’t know where relief would come from.  There is no one to answer my questions.

Anyhow, I have nothing particularly insightful to offer here.  I’m just sharing what’s on my heart for now.  I’m not even sure what sparked this.

…there’s gotta be some rules,

(Rule 37: Fathers must be fathers!)

2 thoughts on “A Son’s Rage

  1. You’re a great father. Being aware of your shortcomings and making an effort is so important. Believe me. My father is, as of the last few months, *finally* trying to make an effort to form a relationship with me, and he was around throughout my entire childhood! I applaud you for endeavoring to be better than your father was. ‘B’ is a lucky boy.

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