“Some Classified Sh!t:” Ways Men Describe Women (this is rated R…maybe even X)

I recently tried to stop cursing.  I’ve tried this before, and I was clearly unsuccessful.  My friends and I agreed to do 25 push-ups every time we cursed or said something disrespectful about women.  Needless to say, my chest is bulging.  We eventually gave this up because cursing is just funnier.  It’s one thing to say that someone “busted their butt,” and it’s a different thing to say that someone “busted their ass.”  There is so much more joy in the latter.  Anyhow, once we gave in to cursing, we realized how vulgar our conversations were.  Listening to a group of men describing sex with women, you might hear a man say that he:

“beat, beat down, beat up, beat into submission, smashed, hammered, nailed, bashed, banged, ripped, ripped up, ripped into shreds, ripped that, ripped those, destroyed, killed, murdered, annihilated, pile drived, mowed, crushed, hit, stabbed, poked, groped her insides, touched, gave it to her, let her have it, knocked it down, knocked her down, stood up in her, stood strong in her, got up in those guts, humped, digged, dug, dug out, dug all up in there, dug all up in her, hurt, hurt that, hurt those, disrespected, slutted her out, performed unholy acts with, engaged in sexual intercourse, had sex with, and of course fucked.”

These are just the things that a we (a group of Black men) could think of that we might have said or heard someone say.  I’m sure men of other racial categories have their own list.  It doesn’t stop here.  When listening to a group of men talking about their own penises, you might hear them describe it as a:

“pole, soul pole, pipe, schwank, swipe, dick, cock, snake, anaconda, python, weapon, missile, rocket, pussy pounder, bitch tamer, good bar, snickers bar, that good, that good shit, that bitch-be-right, that butter, that right shit, cervix tapper, beast, monster, my homie, my friend, mini-me, splitter, pussy splitter, Jimmy, Johnson, Drop Dead Fred (and a slew of other names), silencer, noise maker, and finally, penis.”

Oh but there’s more.  When listening to a group of men talking about women, you might hear women described as:

“feezies, broad, breezie, females, scabs, skank, pigeon, stank, skins, sluts, tramps, yamps (young tramps), skeezas, pieces, dime piece, quarter pieces, dimes, nickels, ass, bitch, rat bitch, dirt bags, hoes, hotels, whores, whoretels, bust downs, slaves, fe fe’s, feline’s, tricks, and of course ladies.”

And, it goes further.  When describing a woman’s vagina, you might hear men describe it as a:

“vagina, skins, clam, fish, whispering eye, cum receptacle, penis receptacle, dick sleeve, pipe cleaner, sperm holders, tweezy, twat, cunt, that wet wet, snatch, pussy, punanny, poon tang, poon, tang tang, cho cho, that good, sugarwalls, sugar, cookies, cock, cockpit, pastrami, that nasty, squirrel, rabbit, monkey, kitten, kitty, muff, hair pie, pie, that good smile, her, she, patty cake, Patty (and a host of names), and of course, lips.”

But wait, there is EVEN MORE.  When describing a woman’s ass, you might hear a BLACK man describe it as:

“that stank, stanky, stank stank, candy, candy yams, candy yams sliding all off the plate, jaloppy, sloppy, that sloppy, sloppy joe, kaboom, junk, trunk, history, cheeks, cake, cupcakes, patty cakes, beef cakes, beef, booty meat, meat, muscle, duke, Duke university, ph.d from Duke university, dookie, she gotta dookie right now, dookie maker, solo motion, ocean, horse, mule, donkey, donk. badonk, a fierce one, glute, booty, butt, booty-butt, track star, nascar, globe, she got the whole world in her pants, apple, apple bottom, tear drop, onion, onion booty, AHnion, ass, aiss, bubble, bubble butt, motor, engine, V8, V10, V12, hummingbird, tip drill, and of course, gluteus maximus.”

To complete the objectification of women, I could go on to breasts, but my fingers feel nasty from typing this stuff.  If you can lay aside the visions of brutality that some of these terms drum up, some of these terms are funny when we are not talking about someone we care about.  And that, is the point–we don’t care.  To be honest, I’m disgusted that I’ve used some of these terms.  We ought to remember that some man is saying these things about our mothers, daughters, sisters, and wives when they look at or interact with them.  It’s no small wonder why rape is common–why women receive the worse of all situations across history.  Men don’t even see women as human.  It’s all just “pussy galore” as Black Thought of the Roots so eloquently put it.  Sistas, the next time you hear a man say something from one of the previous lists (assuming you actually are offended) tell him to drop and give you 25!

…there’s gotta be some rules people.

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