Issues in Dating (3): Cheating & Being Caught

Is there a such thing as a monogamous relationship?  Is cheating natural behavior for relationships?  My answer is “no” to the first question and “yes” to the second.  I had to learn this though.  I was a solid believer in the monogamous relationship for the longest.  I was one of those guys who knew from a young age that he wanted to be with just one woman, and I tried to make that happen.  I was one of those guys who never learned to be a player and who had no problem accepting an emotional side of humanity–of masculinity (now I’m in a new training program).  However, through experience I have determined that such a dream–monogamous and committed relationships–is a chimera.

In fact, everyone (even me if I get the chance to) cheats.  Men I know cheat whenever they have the opportunity.  Women (even what I would call “good women”) cheat.  Since everyone is cheating, I realized that WTF am I doing NOT cheating?  It’s ridiculous.  It is easier for women to accept that a man cheats than for a woman to believe that a man doesn’t cheat, and, men I know never put it past their women to cheat.  Since everyone is cheating, I would only be stupid to not do the same.

Let me switch gears now.  Scenario 1) : You suspect your partner of cheating–of violating your trust and the sanctity of your relationship.  You get into your partner’s email, facebook, myspace, etcetera, and behold, this person is cheating!  Are you justified in your actions?  You have been committed to this person for a year and a half.  How do you actually handle this new information you’ve acquired?  Please don’t tell me what you think you should do.  I want to know what you really would do–or have done.

Scenario 2):  All is the same as the first except now you find no proof of cheating at all, which your partner has been saying all along.  Is no evidence proof that this person is not cheating, or do you simply ignore that, monitor those accounts and continue with your insecurity?

Scenario 3): You have been cheated on, but you have stayed in the relationship out of love and because the person swears that he or she has changed and “would never hurt you like that again”–how many times have you heard that? lol  Anyhow, there is always someone waiting in the wings, and now this person is showing you interest, knowing that you have been hurt in the past.  Are you justified in cheating now with someone who seems to understand you and your plight?

The thing about relationships is that really, they are just social contracts, and these contracts, except for marriage, are not legally enforceable.  People enter and leave them at their whim.  Therefore, commitment is almost an impossibility.  I wish this weren’t so.  I much prefer to be with just one woman–give her my all.  I am naturally inclined to putting my passions in just one woman, but for what?  What’s the point?  It is better for me to protect myself.  This means less emotional content and more logic and reason.

We ought to accept the truth of this.  Accept that the person you so dearly love may just cheat on you one day soon if they have not done so yet.  In accepting that, we should be more honest with each other–change our expectations for one another and adjust our behaviors accordingly.  Everyone should just date.  A relationship ain’t nuttin’ but a job, and a job ain’t nuttin’ but work!

Again, tell me why I’m wrong…

7 thoughts on “Issues in Dating (3): Cheating & Being Caught

  1. ive cheated and been cheated on. but in the end i think relationships can be monogamous. cheating may happen but i dont think it should be expected that it will happen without fail.

    scenario 1 – first of all i would be angry and i probably fly into a rage and end the relationship .. this of course, is after i soak up all that was written and confront the S.O.B.!!! snooping isnt justified … it still is a violation of trust but the snooping can be overlooked as the cheating is a bigger issue.

    scenario 2 – ive been in this situation. if i found nothing i would fess up to my snooping and explain my insecurities and try not to let it get out of hand again. i would also apologise for the privacy violation. if i found something iffy, i would ask about it.

    scenario 3 – the cheating isnt justified. two wrongs dont make a right so because your partner hurt you doesnt mean you need to hurt them in return. if you find someone better for you then it suits you to just leave.

    i believe in monogamous relationships and you are right in saying they are work. they require real effort from those involved to keep things on track. i see nothing wrong with the effort since these relationships do in fact lead to marriage, where there is supposed to be commitment and fidelity. our actions are a result of the choices we make. we can choose to cheat or choose not to. so i do accept that my love may cheat on me, not because he is incapable of loving only me, but because like me, he has free will.

    so i definitely dont think we should just date … as it removes the need for us to be responsible lovers and people who care and aware of the impact of our actions on others. it removes emotional attachment and consideration.

    • Hmm…I think there are some positives to just dating that maybe we all miss–I certainly have. For one, you get to try out a few different types of men or women, and that gives you a better idea of what you like and dislike. Also, it can be less emotionally taxing. Further, dating is exciting (for a while)–the thrill of never knowing what’s next and so on.

      Of course, dating can be extremely lonely too. There is no substitute for coming home to guaranteed affection. :~)

  2. this blog is a tad bit pessimistic! not everyone cheats. my parents have been together for 25 years and they`re happy. i have never cheated on a boyfriend. nor do i believe i have been cheated on (but its possible that may just be wishful thinking). by giving up on the idea of relationships and monogamy your making your philosophy a reality. entering a relationship (dating, commitment, or otherwise) with the mentality that cheating is an option will only lead to you being cheated on or you being the cheater. as a result, those who dont cheat wont even consider you an option when choosing a partner. if i truely thought a guy was cheating on me i would leave him in a second. i dont need proof. trust is #1. if i cant trust you we shouldnt be together. and even if a relationship is just an oral contract with no rights or remedies under it, there is a deterrent factor to breaking the contract, LOOSING ME! (assuming im wanted)…keep in mind that this info comes from a person who does not know how to date and has been single for two years!

    • And the last statement beginning with “…keep in mind…” is all that matters! lol

      Actually, that your parents have been together for half a century is not proof at all that there has been no infidelity. Instead, that is proof of commitment, and that’s a great and rare thing. I commend them for that. Anyhow, by giving up on the idea of monogamy, I am simply realizing the truth of reality. Emotionally or physically, cheating is so prevalent that Pharrell seems to have been right when he said, “Cheat on ya man ma. That’s how you get a hizead.” Boy I could tell you some stories.

      My cousin has been witness to just how casual a cheater operates. Let’s be clear, cheating is a selfish act–an “I” instead of “us” or “we” action–that is counterproductive to establishing a good relationship. Recently, my cousin…actually, I don’t want to put that information out there lol…Let’s just say, that your mate could be calling you “baby” on the phone while passing a number to another.

      My point is that when you are staunchly against cheating, as I have been (and really continue to be), you open yourself to those who would use that belief against you, and after that happens so many times, you can continue to ignore what’s happening, or you can play too!

  3. First of all, women cheating on men is a fairly recent phenomenon that I think started as a result of the feminist movement: “women can do anything men can do, but better.” Second, I think that people cheat out of their own insecurities. Thirdly, I think that people can be monogamous as long as the lines of communication remain open between a couple.

    Scenario 1: If I suspected my partner of cheating, decided to “investigate”, then found out he was cheating, yes I am justified in my actions. Because that means something major happened for me to suspect the cheating act and look for evidence. I would (have) called them out on it. I admitted that I went through their text messages and I didn’t care that I was “violating” their privacy. If two people are in a long-term (2 years minimum) type of relationship, I don’t feel there should be “secrets” and “privacy”.

    Scenario 2: If I found no evidence that he cheated, then I would check myself and re-evaluate the relationship because if I’m in a relationship where I’m going to be constantly suspicious, checking messages, being accusatory then I don’t need to be in a relationship with him or any other guy.

    Scenario 3: No, there is never a justification for cheating. If I decided to stick it out with my cheating man, then I do just that. Also, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is willing to assist me in cheating. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has been waiting for his “chance” and thinks that me getting cheated on his perfect opportunity.

    • I truly hope you don’t believe that women cheating on men is a “recent phenomenon.” Cheating is as old as monogamy, and infidelity is not a man thing–not at all.

      Now, have you cheated before?

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