Issues In Dating (2): Nice Guys Finish Last (if they are permitted to race)

(This one here hits home.  I’m going to try to be as objective as possible, but…forgive me if I can’t.)

So we have heard this axiom so many times that it seems to have lost its power, but I submit that the phrase “nice guys finish” is in fact an axiom because it rings true; otherwise, we would not have all heard this saying.  Let’s move on.

The overwhelming truth (yes truth) is that women respond more positively to cheaters, wife beaters, disrespectful men, jerks, and the like.  Now, I have never heard a woman say that she prefers men like that, but if the totality of your dating history is filled with men like this, guess what?  These are the types of men you prefer, and you should investigate why that is or at least stop claiming to want a certain type of man.

I have had two female friends on separate occasions tell me that they could not date me (not that I wanted to :~) because I couldn’t see myself telling them what to do.  Wow!  While I agree that confidence and assertiveness are sometimes necessary and preferable, I hadn’t realized that such a combative disposition is preferable.  Are women really wanting to be dominated?

I read a scholarly journal article discussing women’s preferences relative to certain types of men.  A woman explained how she’d married the sweetest man.  He was respectful, caring, a good lover, and physically attractive.  However, she soon found herself disengaged in the marriage because he was too satisfied with their middle-class lifestyle (+ $100K/year).  They argued.  He pleaded with her to stay and reminded her that he has been all that she has asked of him–that he is everything that she once found lacking in so many other men.  Still, he wasn’t “exciting.”  He was stable.  He was sane and dependable.  She did not have to worry that he was going to cheat on her or mistreat her.  In the end, she left her husband because “he wasn’t aggressive enough.”  What did she end up with?  At the time of the interview, she had finally gotten exactly what she wanted.  She’d been used and abused by several more “aggressive” men! lol

I have found that as much as women try to argue that men are crazy or no good or whatever, these are the men they want!  It’s difficult to complain when you are supporting the system that you are complaining about.  You could get different results by employing different behavior.

In The Will to Change by bell hooks, bell explained a relationship she entered with an emotionally balanced man.  That is, the man was strong, self-assured, but he was also very aware of himself emotionally.  He could be caring and understanding without feeling like less of a man.  However, their relationship had many struggles.  She found that she was not prepared to handle a man like that.  She had been wishing she could find a man like that, and now that she had found one, she didn’t understand him.  She admitted that it took some learning and adjustment within her in order to be good for a “good brotha.”

If even a bell hooks (hopefully you know something about her–you should!) had problems being with a nice guy, indeed, nice guys will finish last, as, I submit to you that most women are simply not worthy of a nice dude.  A man like that is beyond most women.  Indeed, it will take a very special woman to be able to appreciate a man like that.  And, well, women like that are very rare.  If you know any, I would LOVE to meet them!

That said, it’s better for nice guys to be assholes!  That’s right, I said it!  Nice guys, are playing by rules that no one else is playing by, and these brothas are being taken for granted, disrespected, used, abused, and ruined because women just don’t really want them.  Women keep men like this around because they feel like they should love them, but they just don’t.  Women do want nice brothas after having been used up, carrying LAX luggage, but what good brotha would want a woman like that?  Anyhow, being a nice guy will get you hurt every time.  NICE GUYS OF THE WORLD…REBEL!  Cheat!  If you want to win the woman, a little disrespect goes a long way!

Now…tell me why I’m wrong…

9 thoughts on “Issues In Dating (2): Nice Guys Finish Last (if they are permitted to race)

  1. I didn’t read any of this one, I’m just responding to the title. Look, there is a “game” out there; a “courting” procedure to get the ladies, and a “political” procedure to get the job. If you choose not to play it, people presume that you really ARE playing it — you just SUCK @ it!! If you don’t like the rules, then be rich/famous enough that people attribute your success to your deviance. Otherwise, suck it up and play the game, stop giving a s*** (which somehow works sometimes), or get some ambition to better your social status. >:-)

  2. Man, you are getting your Dr. Phil on with this series Sun. You know who comes to mind when I read this? That chick I used to date back when we lived below the skinhead. The one with that unreal booty and cute face (and slow, annoying speech). Wasn’t I nice to her?? Like maybe “too” nice? I never did get to know her on a biblical level, and I ALWAYS felt like she was using me (though I couldn’t tell for what, because as you remember clearly, I had NO cheese and was often without money for food).

    Anyhow, it felt good when I ran into her a couple years ago in the brand spanking new Charger, with my cute-ass kids, and pictures of my pretty-ass, ridiculously accomplished wife in the whip. Good times. Good times.

  3. Boring guys finish last. not nice guys. the problem is alot of times the nice one is BORING! zzzzz! there are nice guys out there who are assertive and exciting who have sucessful relationships. girls just dont want to be bored. some girls find excitement in abusive relationships. others find excitement other ways (sense of humor, outings, etc.). nice guys could finish first if they were as assertive as mean guys (when it comes to approching women and initiating later contact) and if they were agressive (let the girl know you like her). the girls that like the drama and abuse have issues with themselves they need to deal with prior to dating a “nice guy.” sane, well balanced girls, like nice (assertive and exciting) men.

    • No wonder men and women have such trouble. It’s all a dance–a game–courting women is. If a man is going to error, it is best to error on the side of the typical ignorant male. At least then, the woman is getting exactly what’s expected. Being vulnerable, reliable, stable, or just being nice (these are not enmity to being “exciting”) are not pathways to success for the average man, and, well, that’s okay. We just need to recognize that and go with it.

  4. Do women want to be dominated? – I’m sure some do, but others are just looking for a guy who’s confident in himself and in his life situation that he can jump in and take charge whenever necessary. A woman doesn’t want to “carry” her man. Although, there are women who like a “weak” man because they want to tell someone what to do.

    I think that in some cases the “nice guy” turns out to be a boring or safe guy. He has all the qualities that a woman wants but there’s nothing beyond that. A guy can be loving, respectful, monogamous, but he also needs some spontaneity. Usually, “nice guys” do everything that a woman wants and expects; that’s what makes them look to a “bad guy”, the “excitement” of not knowing how he’ll act from day-to-day. So all a “nice guy” needs to do is employ a little spontaneity in a relationship.

    • “He has all the qualities that a woman wants but there’s nothing beyond that.” WTF?

      If he has everything you need, and you’re unhappy with him, perhaps you need to reevaluate what you think you need.

      That said, I wonder if the crux of the issue for “nice guys” is the lack of spontaneity. I’m not saying that’s not the issue, but is it really that simple? Do women actually date crappy dudes just for the excitement of it? If so, that’s stupid!

    • I hope there is more to it than who knew what he would do from day-to-day. Now, I agree that predictable can be boring, but is predictable synonymous with stable?

  5. Yes, it really is that simple. Women want spontaneity, but guys do too. Men want spontaneity in the bedroom, women outside the bedroom.

    Predictability usually equals being stable; having the same daily schedule, probably having a predictable sex routine, and maybe not even taking risks at work. Stability is good, but with stability comes the ability to take risks and that might be what is lacking.

  6. I would like to think that stability could be outside of being boring. I mean to say that I could be in a stable relationship with a woman–she and I do not cheat and what not, but we could regularly do exciting things.

    Men want spontaneity outside of the bedroom too! I don’t want to be with a woman who I cannot go out with or one who never makes plans. That’s too much pressure and too much work!

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