You may not be aware of this, but I view the Kardashians as a collective stye on society’s eye. Here is a family of women who, riding the social pornography of their father’s role in the O.J. Simpson trial, manufactured relevance through the pornography of, well, some real porn shit featuring the shallow-water-minded Kim and space-faced singer, Brandy’s, lil’ bro (I’ll properly introduce you to my antipathies toward reality TV stars in the near future). This stye, the disgusting pus-filled irritant that it is, blinds those of you who regularly keep these social drains afloat from noticing that you are fastly transforming yourselves into sheep–sheep who wear fake eyelashes, hair extensions, and who lie in bed fully made up just before turning in for a fake night’s sleep.
I think what bothers me so much about reality TV stars is that they add absolutely nothing to society. When the republicans speak of ridding our nation of social drains, I always think of reality TV stars–in general–and the Kardhashians–with specificity.
I have never bought into the idea of meritocracy. I know that your social network will ultimately define your social net worth; hence, a failure like George W. Bush becomes the president of the United States of America with a strong network of politicians and influence-brokers around him; however, now we’re taking the power of social networks too far. When P. Diddy gave us “Making the Band,” I accepted that he plainly stated that he was not looking for talent–that he would be able to get around that (every entertainer with talent and skill in their craft should be apalled! Where’s Kanye West when you need him?!). But now….now The Dream, a 5’2″ scab of a man who has gained fame through catchy hooks and studio-distorted voice recordings, sought Kim Kardashian out, produced a song with her, and labeled himself a genius for doing it! If that’s genius, I’m brilliant for always having the toilet paper roll towards me rather than towards the wall.
And, after being subjected to the special sounds of a Downs Syndrome baby elephant making love to a Christopher Walken over a catchy techno beat, here is what we know:
- There is no justice in this world.
- The Dream has lost his rabbid-ass mind.
- Kim is as useless as we non-sheep folk suspected; although, I would hit…OH YOU WOULDN’T!?
- Talent only gets in the way of making a catchy song for sheep to baah to.
- The world is a little closer to the dark ages.
- Ciara encouraged Kim to meet with The Dream because, let’s face it, if she weren’t naked, she’d be irrelevant too. You know damn well that she can’t sing; although, I would hit…OH YOU WOULDN’T!?
With that, I am formally putting my bid in to be MTV Made by whichever producer is most willing to risk his or her credibility. I’m willing to put out a sextape and everything. As long as I’m going to disgrace myself and my family, I may as well get paid for it. And where is Montana Fishburne anyhow?
(…shrugs shoulders, turns to walk away, looks back…) There’s gotta be some rules people…
Oh and find that damned song yourself! Sheep!